PART ONE: My Cover Letter

[Editor's Note: As part one of my four part series on how to get a great job, I explore the craft of creating the perfect cover letter. I've provided the following sample letter as a jumping point to learning important aspect of structure, voice, and tone. While your resume (Part Two in the series) can inform a potential employer of both your professional and eductational training and experience, it is your cover letter that gives your job search its heart. Read on.]

Dear Mr. Kapitanski:

I was very excited to learn of your search for a District Sales Manager. I believe my sales experience and personal abilities make me uniquely qualified for this position. My resume is attached.

As you will see in my resume, my sales experience runs deep. Prior to my five years with eBay as an Independent Collectable Plush Toy Broker, I worked with a small vertical sales outfit called CryloZap, Inc., where I was recognized for consistently breaking monthly sales targets and for being the only associate to avoid federal indictment and prison time during the company’s unfortunate financial misunderstandings with the Federal Trade Commission. I was also exceptional for being the only CryloZap employee to turn state’s evidence.

But it is my personal abilities that best define my work ethic and my exceptional drive. Admired for my success with the ladies in the workplace, I have achieved the distinction of being a defendant in dozens of sexual harassment cases brought by both men and women, providing ample precedent for future cases and having my name become synonymous with legal machismo in the annals of both federal and state tort law. (The eighth edition of Black’s Law Dictionary defines Corey-fication as both a legal tactic and a sexual position.) I think my record of having never been convicted of a crime in any of these cases speaks volumes about my personal tenacity and perseverance!

Even more important than these skills and experience, I possess a genuine and endless enthusiasm for volunteerism. This is evidenced by my work for Big Brothers Big Sisters and The Boys and Girls Club—prior to my unfortunate blacklisting by both organizations.

The opportunity to meet with you would allow me to express personal characteristics that cannot be reflected in a resume. I look forward to this opportunity. Please feel free to contact me to set up an interview. You won’t be disappointed.

Thank you for your consideration and time.

Warmest regards,

David Corey

THE SECRETS:

1) Use words that express an almost cultish enthusiasm for work of any sort. Remember: While you're resume will provide you with the opportunity to fake the facts, a cover letter puts you in the unique position of expressing falsehoods about your character. So don't hold back! Notice how the above letter uses such terms as "endless ethusiasm," "excited," and "personal tenacity." Avoid using the word "maniacal" however.

2) Avoid offensive language at this early stage. Remember: Crude language should be saved for the interview. For now, be respectful. Notice how the above sample says: Please feel free to contact me to set up an interview. You won’t be disappointed, rather than: Call me or I will cut your throat. And once I'm done there, I'll hunt down your family and cut their throats. Threatening violence at this stage suggests a familiarity with your potential employer that is not yet there. Keep your rage muted unless applying for a government service position, such as the Department of Social Services or the DMV.

3) Cite professional successes and personal ones. Notice how the first paragraph (after the short intro) highlights professional experiences that make the potential employee unique. The following paragraph takes the next step and illustrates personal successes that may not have contributed a company's bottom line, but which are important examples of an employee's uniqueness of character. (The third paragraph then takes the important step of highlighting humanitarian work.) Simply, be proud of your professional and personal achievements. Some examples might include: double-jointedness; hidden tattoos; amount of weight you've successfully benchpressed; the size of your penis or breasts; STDs contracted; such measures of street cred as the killing of rival gang members, number of ho's turning tricks for you, and your net sales of chalk, crank and crop in your neighborhood of control; or number of times ejected from the stands at a major sporting event.

4) Do not mail body parts with your cover letter and resume. In some cultures it is a sign of respect to mail a tuft of one's own hair when applying for a job, while in other cultures mailing the body parts of your sworn enemies along with an employment query makes an important statement to a potential employer regarding your level of familiarity with the dark arts, thus bumping your resume to the top of the heap. But this is no longer the case in American culture. Some companies are deluged with hundreds of applications for each job posting and the presence of matted braids of hair, bloodied fingers, and war masks made of human flesh only slows the process. These days, a cover letter and resume sent without body parts is much more likely to catch the eye of your future employer. (The same holds true for dead rodents and live snakes. Be creative. Pack your envelope with glitter covered in spray adhesive.)

New Years Resolutions

In 2007, I'm determined to stop taunting the miscreants and the homeless. No more name calling. No more offers of free booze and a kick in the teeth. No more forcing them to wear women's clothing and make-up for my own cheap thrills.

In 2007, I will stop referring to my canker sores are 'mouth cancer.' Though it helps me to better appreciate and cherish the short time we have in this world of ours when I think of my little mouth ulcers in this way, some people have suggested that it's a bit insensitive to those who DO have cancer.

In 2007, I will stop obsessing over the possibility that cats might someday gain the Darwinian upper hand by developing opposable thumbs.

In 2007, I will live each day as if it were my last. By this I mean I will have sex with strangers, steal, cheat, lie, shout angry epithets, and tell people how I REALLY feel without the fear of consequence. After all, I'll be dead tomorrow.

In 2007, I'll be more respectful of women…or I will give it my best shot. And if my best shot isn't enough, I will lower my expectations until my best shot is enough.

In 2007, I will remind myself that the earth is a fragile place, and I will take special care to ensure that I replace my divots after every golf swing, no matter the condition of the course.

In 2007, I will reduce, reuse, and recycle. But mostly I will just reuse.

In 2007, I will no longer respond to every friendly question with a physical threat. I will remember, for example, that if someone asks for directions or the time of day, it is NOT a menacing physical threat, but rather a friendly request for information.

In 2007, I will stop with my periodic attempts to have conjugal visits with women in prison—women I don't even know. Also, in regard to prison, I will stop trying to pay for everything with cigarettes, as I now realize that this is not a form of currency in the outside world, despite its high value in the Big House.

A Dear Jane Letter

My dear Jane,

There is no easy way to say this. But let me start by telling you that you’re a very special woman. I’ve done my fair share of dating, but never have I met someone so obviously lively and intelligent as you. That is why writing this letter is so difficult. Recent disagreements and misunderstandings between you and I have pushed me to re-evaluate our relationship, and I should tell you I’ve resolved to part ways with you. I’m sorry, Jane, but it’s over.

I’m sure you’ll be asking yourself “Why?” I can understand your pain, as I’ve certainly been in your shoes a few times myself. So for the sake of making a clean break I thought I should lay out some of my reasons for parting ways.

I took particular offense when, on our second date, you exclaimed, “All men are such pigs!” I couldn’t help but think that somehow you meant I was a pig. Perhaps it was the use of the word all, or the fact that you were poking me in the sternum with a hooked finger as you were saying it. (By the way, your finger left a bruise.) Whether you meant to or not, I must point out that you snarled yourself in a sweeping generalization—not to mention that men and pigs are of completely different species, and are, therefore, mutually exclusive. Don’t get me wrong, man-pigs may exist. As a child I once saw a man-dog at the County Fair, so who’s to say there aren’t a few man-pigs out there. But to assume that all men are part pig is simply ridiculous. Unless, of course, you were merely speaking metaphorically.

Positive communication became an issue for me, Jane. At first, our late night phone conversations had a nervous “teens-in-love” tone, and the romance was almost palpable. Remember how I would call you multiple times, and you, disguising your voice, would say you were “Jane’s roommate”? This was cute, since I knew you lived alone, but the frequent hang-ups got old as time wore on. When you had your phone number changed I had a difficult time getting through to you. And you seemed cool and distant when I’d wait for you to get out of work, sometimes sitting in the parking lot for hours with my car engine idling. Frankly, Jane, the romance faded.

I thought that creep was your private pet name for me, so you can imagine how alarmed I was when your friend, Joey, showed up at my apartment and asked, “Are you the creep who keeps calling Jane?” At that moment I thought: what other private details of our love had you shared so openly? And then I thought: why is Joey pushing his way into my apartment? And why is he hitting me?

Certainly, I’ve done many things of which I’m not proud, and I wouldn’t want you to think that this break-up is all your fault. Despite my denials, I was the one who slashed your tires. I meant no malice by this. In fact, the story behind the whole incident is a funny one, and perhaps some day I’ll tell all, and you and I can have a good laugh.

In addition, I was not “throwing rocks” through your window, as the police report says. I was merely tossing pebbles at your bedroom pane to get your attention. Clearly, I misjudged the size of the brick I threw, and I apologize for the misunderstanding that ensued. Although, in my own defense, I have to say that your lawyer was being unfair when he referred to me as “crazed.” Was Romeo crazed? Or Prince Charming? I fear his statements might have tainted the jury against me, especially his frequent use of the words “obsessed,” “demented,” and “human time bomb.” (I’m not even sure what a human time bomb is, but I’m assuming it’s not a compliment.) This was the final straw.

So when you walk into the courtroom tomorrow, don’t expect any more loving glances or stolen moments. Don’t expect me to blow kisses or exclaim loudly “I AM THE GOD ALMIGHTY!” Those days, my dear Jane, are over. I feel that it’s best we just go our separate ways, like in Casablanca—you know, the final moment when Humphrey Bogart looks deep into Ingrid Bergman’s eyes and calls her a kid? That’s how it feels sometimes. Perhaps we’ll enjoy one last embrace at the sentencing.

Bye for now, my love.