New Years Resolutions

In 2007, I'm determined to stop taunting the miscreants and the homeless. No more name calling. No more offers of free booze and a kick in the teeth. No more forcing them to wear women's clothing and make-up for my own cheap thrills.

In 2007, I will stop referring to my canker sores are 'mouth cancer.' Though it helps me to better appreciate and cherish the short time we have in this world of ours when I think of my little mouth ulcers in this way, some people have suggested that it's a bit insensitive to those who DO have cancer.

In 2007, I will stop obsessing over the possibility that cats might someday gain the Darwinian upper hand by developing opposable thumbs.

In 2007, I will live each day as if it were my last. By this I mean I will have sex with strangers, steal, cheat, lie, shout angry epithets, and tell people how I REALLY feel without the fear of consequence. After all, I'll be dead tomorrow.

In 2007, I'll be more respectful of women…or I will give it my best shot. And if my best shot isn't enough, I will lower my expectations until my best shot is enough.

In 2007, I will remind myself that the earth is a fragile place, and I will take special care to ensure that I replace my divots after every golf swing, no matter the condition of the course.

In 2007, I will reduce, reuse, and recycle. But mostly I will just reuse.

In 2007, I will no longer respond to every friendly question with a physical threat. I will remember, for example, that if someone asks for directions or the time of day, it is NOT a menacing physical threat, but rather a friendly request for information.

In 2007, I will stop with my periodic attempts to have conjugal visits with women in prison—women I don't even know. Also, in regard to prison, I will stop trying to pay for everything with cigarettes, as I now realize that this is not a form of currency in the outside world, despite its high value in the Big House.